Revising With Williams

(Just to note, I do realize I am pushing the limit on getting this one done around midnight. I purchased a new laptop :] and have spent the last two days transferring files and applications.)

"Eastern Michigan University is open to students who have the potential to succeed academically as determined by a review of official high school records and/or college records. Admission to the University is based on a combination of factors including, but not limited to, the review of high school or college grade point average, high school or college curriculum and scores on standardized tests."

(The re-edit)

"Eastern Michigan University offers students the opportunity to achieve academic success simply by a review of official high school transcripts or college records. For students to gain admission to EMU, the evaluation of high school or college grade point averages and curriculum will be taken into account, along with scores on standardized tests."

I revised this passage by focusing on how the sentences flow along with a grammatical breakdown of words. I replaced words like "records" with official words like "transcripts". I also re-worded most of the passage because I disliked the sentence's flow as I read it aloud. I simply sat down for a few minutes and attempted to simplify the sentence as much as possible, all while keeping smooth flowing sentences. As Williams suggests in Chapter 2 on page 21, clear writing has two principles. These two principles are: 1) The subjects of the sentences name the cast of characters, and 2) The verbs that go with those subjects name the crucial actions those characters are a part of. I essentially tried to follow these steps in order to offer clarity to this passage.